Without whom none of this would be possible

First of all, my mother had excellent fashion sense in 1981. I am loving the shirt. (A V-Neck, even-- something I had to recently convince her to accept back into her wardrobe.)

Right before (or after, I can't remember) Lea was born, my mom's old copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves resurfaced from somewhere in her house, and I got a kick out of reading all the accounts of childbirth circa 1973 or so. I guess having an "focus object" was many women's preferred method of natural pain relief. I think it's called hypnobirthing now, but the basic idea is: early in your pregnancy, pick an object that is interesting to look at. Look at it often, and train your mind to associate that object with power, and strength, and feelings of peace and serenity. Then, during labor, when you look at this object, you will be pain-free. Or something.

Anyway, after I read that section, I found a part called "Parenting Adults", and one mother-- grandmother, now-- said something like this: When my daughter had a baby, I felt affirmed because I felt like she was saying, "What you did, when you had me, was a good thing. Such a good thing, I wanted to do it myself. I accept you, and I welcome becoming more like you."

I wonder sometimes if my mom feels this way now that Lea is here and I am a mother too. I do know that I feel connected to her, and my grandmother and aunts and all the mothers out there, in ways that I never really expected. Like a secret society of the wisest women who ever lived has granted me a sort of probationary membership: I can rise to the challenge of motherhood and become like those wise women, learning to embrace this new part of my identity with grace and humor, or I can allow motherhood to overwhelm me, frustrate me, make me bitter, make me less. I am still being tested in all the fundamentals, of course... and maybe the trick is that it's always going to be fundamentals, just different ones. I'm not sure. I do know that I look forward to Lea walking and talking and pushing boundaries and exploring her world. But at the same time, I am try to never start a sentence with "I can't wait..." Because, as everyone tells me, this part will go warp-speed fast and I don't want it to pass me by while I'm craning my neck to see the next part.

I am so lucky to have a really fantastic example of confidence and creativity and patience in my mom. She's the smartest lady I know and I really can't tell you where I'd be in this whole journey (or any journey, really) without her.

Here's to ya, Mom.