Year in Review, Part 4: Attachment

Over the summer, someone asked me, "How attached are you to Lea?" Admitting it sounded like a weird question, she went on to explain that a friend of hers (I think) was planning to opt out of attending a wedding because she didn't want to have to be away from her baby.

I remember thinking at the time that All the Mothers of the Internet would have a feeding frenzy over that question, as they tend to do, leading to pages upon pages of debate over (1) what constitutes a sufficiently attached parent, or (2) whether it makes any sense to be trying to quantify parent-child attachment, or even (3) if putting such an emphasis on attachment might be counterproductive in the long run. Feathers would be ruffled! Drama would ensue! Lines would be drawn in the sand!

[I have to insert some self-mockery into this, by the way, because every once in a while I'm slightly unsettled the fact that 90% of the new mothers I "know" and rely upon for support are virtually strangers who I only know online. But, I suck it up because I live in a tiny town and that's the way it goes.]

Anyway, to answer the original question, I consider myself highly attached to Lea. I generally love being around her, and I tend to assume that she goes where I go. Sometimes I absolutely need and want an extended break, and sometimes I go places where it's not practical or possible to take an infant, and that's a good thing. But for the most part, caring for her in the way I have come to prefer as a matter of routine usually means a pretty close proximity.

Take the wedding scenario: if you're breastfeeding, it's not as simple as getting childcare, or even as simple as pumping and storing milk for the baby ahead of time. Because long term, if you want to keep a good milk supply, you've got to be emptying the breast with relative frequency. (This is also necessary to prevent some serious, serious discomfort and hugeness, two things that tend to be even more pronounced in formal wear.) If the baby's not with you, you have to pump again. So, going to a wedding and reception, even across town, means you have to be willing to find a place to hang out topless for half an hour with your pump. So my answer is yes, I'll go to a wedding without Lea, but I'm going to be a little bit more snobby and selective about it. The one non-family wedding I've been invited to since Lea's birth was the absolutely pump-worthy nuptials of my friends Julie and Ben. So I did all of the above, and it was a fabulous evening. But even with all of that work, I was treated to this priceless comment from a more-than-a-little-drunk friend, late in the evening: "You have more cleavage than you came with!" Just sayin'.

All of this is to say that tending to not be far from your baby, a hallmark of "attachment parenting" (and yes, this is a thing, for those unversed in such lingo), sometimes has as much or more to do with logistics as it does with ideology. I don't mean to brush off the virtues of being emotionally attached-- because I strive for that too-- but I think it's worth noting that I have come across people who would seriously admonish me for not taking Lea to the wedding with me (or skipping it), because it necessitated me being away from her for something like 13 hours. For some people, the ideology is all-encompassing; it's almost like, instead of making individual parenting decisions and allowing their parenting style to be shaped by those decisions, some parents commit themselves to a style first, and consult the "rules" of that style every time a new decision must be made.

It's weird. But I'll admit: it's crazy enticing. Parenting is freaking terrifying, and it feels safer sometimes to glom yourself on to a popular way of doing things and check your every instinct with other people who've chosen that way. You'll either be validated (feels great!) or you'll be corrected (sucks, but happens less and less frequently as you spend more and more time absorbing yourself in the "right answers"-- you'll start to see your instincts looking eerily like all those other people's). So eventually, if you conform to a certain ideology and look only to like-minded people for support, all you're going to get is validation. What could be better?

Charting your own path is hugely uncertain, but it's better. It has to be. This is why I will never call myself an "attachment parenting" mom, as much as I try to foster attachment with my daughter. I do probably 75% of the things that people look for to establish AP cred, as it were, so I can probably continue to pass, but I'm getting increasingly disillusioned with the way the term is sometimes used to denigrate people who do things differently.

Let me tip my hat here to Al Franken, who pretty much sums up why I'm a liberal in "Loving America, the Al Franken Way", a chapter of a recent book of his that brilliantly illustrates why measuring someone's patriotism by how much they "love America" makes no sense: it's just more complicated than that, and anyone who says otherwise is rewriting history. "Salem witch trials," he begins, "bad. Revolutionary war, good...

Slavery- bad
Ending slavery- good, but hard
Civil War reenactments- weird
Massacring Native Americans and breaking our treaties with them- bad
Indian Casinos- ?
Child labor during Industrial Revolution- bad
Child labor mowing lawns and baby-sitting- character-building


<snip. Oh, and read the rest of the funny and moving list in Lies and the Lying Liars who Tell Them>

Making mistakes- bad, but inevitable
Correcting mistakes- good, but not inevitable
Calling those who point out mistakes "unpatriotic"- itself unpatriotic
Owning up to our mistakes- brave
America- home of the brave

(Thanks, Al.)

I have seen almost every parenting decision, the totally mundane and the hugely significant, broken down into the "attached" way and the "detached" way, and sometimes, I buy it. But sometimes, it only serves to draw a boundary, and why do that unless you're interested in separating yourself?

Seeking attachment with your child, the PCJ way:

Breastfeeding- the gold standard nutrition-wise, and in many cases, emotionally beneficial for mom and baby. Should be encouraged and supported by law, healthcare providers, and workplace policy. Preferable for optimal health, but not essential for good health. Not always easy or possible.

Breastfeeding past infancy- sometimes still the best way to soothe and/or nourish your child. Sometimes not at all necessary. Not weird or wrong.

T-shirts for baby boys that say "boob man"- a little creepy, but whatever.

Formula- usually manufactured by companies that have done unscrupulous things to make a buck. Still, a net positive when there is no breastmilk to be had.

Co-sleeping- cozy and convenient, if you and your kid can sleep that way. Very safe (just as safe as a crib) as long as you aren't impaired by drugs, alcohol, or medication. Impossible if your baby needs her own space. Or if you do, for that matter.

Cribs- Safe beds for babies. Not cages, people.

Baby-wearing- fun and eye-catching (and sometimes eyebrow-raising, which is half the fun). Allows for most excursions to be baby-friendly. Good exercise. Easy and comfortable, if your kid tolerates it. An upright wrestling match if she doesn't. Sometimes hot and gross in the summertime. Sometimes expensive.

Baby bucket- a carseat, best used in the car (and to and from said car). Probably not very hip-growth-friendly to be in for long chunks of the day.

Responding immediately to every cry- probably best for young babies. Increasing wiggle room as baby ages.

Cloth-diapering- earth friendly and usually frugal, but not an attachment issue.

Vaccines- hooo boy. Strongly urged by the vast majority of people who've collected and analyzed the data for themselves. Otherwise, sometimes scary as crap, counterintuitive, and hugely complicated, emotionally and otherwise. Often manufactured by companies who have done unscrupulous things to make a buck. Still, not an attachment issue.

Being a full-time parent- an awesome thing to do if it doesn't threaten your financial security or mental health.

Parenting, period- complicated.

Being flexible- essential.

Relying on the guidance of loved ones- it takes a village, right?

Relying too much on the rulebooks of strangers- nerve-wracking and self-doubt-inducing.

Watching a child grow- humbling.

Humility- a gift.

Attachment- almost inevitable. Regardless of all of the above.