Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Writing on my blog

You might have noticed that I haven't in a while. I feel kind of sad when I realize how long it's been, and how much of my kids' lives I have failed to chronicle here in the meantime. I blame my expanding participation in Facebook, partly-- it used to be, when my kid said something funny, I would create a (hopefully witty) essay about it, but now, I tend to just quote her on my status update and leave it at that. Maybe because I'm feeling like a mediocre writer, or maybe because I figure that the status-update-length version is enough, and my musings on the matter aren't as interesting to anybody else anyway.

But, no: I'm not feeling like a mediocre writer, which is great news. And it's the other reason I haven't been blogging this summer and fall, because I have an actual, legit, paying writing gig for the first time in my life. It's a pretty miniscule job, writing a "Farmer of the Week" feature in the Agriculture section of my local paper.

One story a week is about all I can manage these days, logistically. As previously discussed, I am an easily frazzled person who does not do well "serving two masters" and splitting my attention, even a little bit, between parenting my kids and fulfilling outside obligations. For example, I agreed in February to serve on the board of our homeowners association, a responsibility that demands approximately one hour of my time per month, and I AM SO STRESSED OUT by this. It hangs over my head all month, even though, every month, when I actually sit down to record everybody's payments of dues, it's easy and no problem at all. But yeah. Just thinking about this kind of thing makes me anxious. Clearly, I have a problem with anxiety.

But back to the writing. It's nothing super-creative or hard-hitting. It's just me going to farmers markets and talking to people about their goats or their tomatoes or their eggs or whatever, and writing a quick feature about them and their market. It's nice. And now, it's (hopefully) transitioning into a little bit of work that will continue after farmers market season is over. The umbrella organization that manages the grant that pays me to do Farmer of the Week is called Appalachian Sustainable Development, and it looks like they might continue to send a few writing projects my way (so far, a press release) when they come up. Again, it's not demanding much creativity from me, and it's not a huge amount of work by any means.

What it is-- and I hear myself saying this a lot-- is something to hang my hat on. It's something that gives me an identity outside of raising my kids. It's writing! It's related to my college degree! And most importantly, I'm good at it. It comes easily to me. I never wrote a press release before yesterday, but I found myself, nonetheless, entirely confident and easygoing when I met with ASD's director to get the information I needed.

This is not like me. Normally, I'm a little bit of a basketcase when I do something new, and I spend more time scrambling for validation than I do actually trying to improve my skills in whatever it is. I hover self-consciously around new bosses. I get stuck with a bizarre paralysis over really basic decisions. And when confronted with challenges, I throw up my hands and tread water (there's a mixed metaphor with a pretty dire literal meaning!) and find ways to justify being content with merely preventing disaster. (I'm looking at you, Habitat Philly. Sorry about that.)

Maybe I should be embarrassed to know that the more professionally-driven among my readers are probably thinking, "She's proud of being confident in writing a press release?" And I am embarrassed, a little, or at least kind of sheepish. But I'm going to be honest and say that never having work in my own field until now has taken a toll on my mental health. Being exceptionally successful in school and then really lousy at a series of low-level jobs has made me feel pretty crappy about myself. So I'll hang my hat on whatever I can. I'll hang it on a press release, for now anyway. And for the first time, I can envision myself carving out a freelance writing career of sorts. It will be hard work, but it's work that I leap to do, with no hesitation, no questioning my ability to do it right. It's the kind of work that I begin and the time just flies. It's what I need to be doing.

Who knows if it will lead to anything, but that's not important right now. What's important is that I remember, now, what it's like to feel capable, and that's going a long way to helping me feel like a well-rounded, healthy person. It's making me a better parent, too-- because now, the other master I'm serving (my kids being the the main one, still) is me. And not because the work is on a freelance basis and I do most of it in my pajamas, but because I am driven to do the work by my own aptitude for writing, my own ability to know when I've done the job well-- not my fear of letting somebody down. That's an enormous difference.

Life is good. I am so lucky that my skillset and my education and my geographic location and my good fortune in having a friend looking out for me have converged in this way and given me this chance to call myself a writer, for real. To see the folder marked "ASD" in My Documents. It makes everything else-- the still-awful sleeping habits of my youngest, for starters-- so much more bearable. I will never minimize the value of the time I have spent (and still do, for all practical purposes) as a full-time parent; childcare is important work, drastically important work, and my hat goes off to the women and men who take it on, for six weeks or several decades. But I'm learning that I do it better when I have a chance to use a different part of my brain from time to time, too. I just do better, in general.

So, apologies to the internet for being such a bad blogger lately. Maybe when my kids are a little bigger, I'll have space in my brain for caring for them AND writing to establish a professional identity AND writing for creative satisfaction, too. I'll keep you posted.

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2 comments:

Mary said...

Paige! So glad to see this post, and to know that you are finding such joy, goodness, wholeness in the writing gigs.... Telling stories of ordinary people - their hopes, their work, their passions and frustrations - is a means of grace in this world and is a work far larger than you may imagine. Stories like yours connect us to one another, and reveal truth about ourselves. I love that you love writing and look forward to all that will emerge!

BookBabe said...

I kind of hate it when people say, "I know how you feel," but I really think I do. I did the sportswriting thing mainly because I wanted to see my name on a byline (I admit it) but as it went on, I was just exhilarated by the sheer process of putting thoughts into words coherently. Bravo, my dear. You are an amazing writer - you know how to make your reader SEE and HEAR what you did.